Under the muddy pink petals

lonely

mutts & such — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 00:34:17 +0000

I am so lonely here and now. The boy doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. ha. the strange thing is I thought he actually might come here and we might still be together. It hurts. I keep wondering what is wrong with me that I can’t keep a man.I am also trying not to worry about a job, although everyone keeps telling me how hard it is for jobs right now, but I can’t listen to them. I have to believe I will get a job and my soon my businesses will be up. I just feel blah right now. I know i am being hard on myself, I just moved here I am looking for a job and the person i love more than anything doesn’t want anything to do with me.

5 things that make me happy today

I love the feel of the crips fall air and the color of the leaves changing.
I love the cuddles of dogs in the morning when it is cold out.
the smell and feeling that coffee gives me. warm and comforting
the feeling of clean blankets after laundry.
the color of my new room. so calm and serene.
happy monday. Tomorrow is a new day.

when

mutts & such — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 03:52:44 +0000

when will I be enough for somebody to love. The boy doesn’t want to do it anymore since I am moving to Portland and he moved to Houston. Almost 2 years and a love beyond anything and now nothing. Three weeks left until I leave. I just have to make it through this and then I will busy enough not to think about it. Life will go on…it is just until then. I am glad sadie is going the same time. I feel so alone right now and anxious. It will be good to be around friends again…and people. And then maybe, just maybe there will be someone at sometime that will fall in love with me…just because~ and that will be enough.

maybe

mutts & such — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:02:46 +0000

So this is my horoscope for the day:

A Higher Perspective
Sagittarius Daily Horoscope

You may feel depressed and blocked today, which could cause you to feel trapped in your circumstances. You may feel that you have limited options, and you could find yourself struggling to find a solution to a problem. If you can lift your focus above your feelings, you should be able to see your situation more clearly and come up with a creative solution. Simply set aside time to be alone and release any tension from your mind and body. Empty your mind of all thoughts, and imagine your consciousness lifting above your body. Bring to mind a situation that could benefit from your insight today, and review it from this heightened sense of awareness. You may be able to see solutions that had previously eluded you or gain a clearer perspective as you see a situation in a new light.

Choosing to see challenging situations from a different perspective can open our minds to new possibilities and solutions. It is easy to become blinded by our situation when we are enmeshed in the struggle to figure it out. If we can instead lift our focus higher and choose a different perspective, we can gain a greater sense of clarity about our circumstances. With our enhanced awareness, we are able to receive insights regarding different actions we could take or come up with creative solutions to problems. By lifting your awareness above your challenges today, you will be able to see your situation clearly and come up with exciting new possibilities.

~~
I broke it off with the fiance last night. He didn’t even say two words, except that it was one in the morning and he was tired. That is a year and a half of our relationship…ended in five minutes. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Have a family…a home together. Sometimes life just sucks. I have to stay busy or I get sick. Physically sick. I just have to keep working on my projects or do whatever. I hope in time that life will get better.

downer

mutts & such — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:19:27 +0000

I feel like debbie downer on increments of high. These past few weeks have been hell. The moved finally moved to Texas and our relationship is not going so well. Why is it so hard to find someone that will move for me, that wants to be with me no matter what. I am not sure how this story will end. It seems to be slowly ending, which makes me sad because i love him so much. There is other shit going down at the shelter that I can’t talk about yet, which weighs heavy on me and I can’t walk my dogs b/c of this freaking heat and work sucks lately. On a better note, I have lots of ideas, however, just never enough time lately to work on them. I have to make time, though. I am looking for an airstream as well. feeling a little overwhelmed. oh well. life goes on.

stuck in the middle

mutts & such — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 06:03:47 +0000

so many changes in the last couple weeks. I left BF and now I volunteer at Fredonia Humane everyday. I love it, but I am not getting anything else done. I will have to change my schedule a bit once I order my project stuff and such. I haven’t even been able to take photos. I don’t have a memory card. I guess things have been ok, I feel stuck in the middle of a war in my head and heart, though. The boy is moving to Houston next week. In some ways I feel like he wants to sow his wild oats, date, party and hang with the female crowd. Yet, he tells me I am the only one for him and we will be together for ever. Are my thoughts just playing tricks on me. I don’t feel like he is proud to be with me…at least to his friends. Some of his family knows, I guess. But the rest of his friends, he doesn’t tell or talk about…i think. In that way I feel like I am nothing, that there was nothing for him here. I am not even enough. So why would I move my family there for him? I think he might need to do what he needs to do. I might need to move somewhere else and if we are meant to be together, things will still continue. I have moved or thought of moving too many times for people. Someone needs to move for me or there needs to be a compromise and a move together. I just want to feel like I am something in his life. Is that so wrong to want? I might just go ahead and plan for Portland. At least there is a shelter there I have been following. Will see. I can’t really plan anything yet. I need to clear my head and my heart and try to think logical without all these negative thoughts clogging my head. oh well.

moving forward…without.

mutts & such — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 05:47:49 +0000

Since tonight is a feeling of raw, open feelings, I might as well spill…well, not everything. The boy and I talked. He is moving to Houston in two weeks and I am having a really hard time with it, mostly, with my feelings being hurt. I know that is being selfish. To love someone is to let them go, if it is best for them. I think it is important for people to move forward if they aren’t happy in their current life. To figure out how to better it, whether that be the right answer or not and then keep trying. I knew he wasn’t coming here after 10 months of pleading. He might as well go where he felt he has opportunity and his friend. The feeling of insecurity speaks to me and says, I was not enough for him to move here. That the job and his friend are more important. The feeling of love speaks and says this is what will make him happy, be happy for him and stop listening to those voices in my head. The ones that make me tear up. Long distance is never easy on a relationship. We have already had two small break-ups. To now be even further apart without even the opportunity for a visit… To say I am not worried would be a lie.

He tells me he loves me and to have faith. Have I become so jaded in my years of relationships that I don’t believe people anymore. My faith and hope have been lost and I feel I am not worthy of someone to actually move to be with me? I have moved to be with people without second thought. The second time, well…I thought and didn’t do it. I want to believe this will work out, but new places and people, new excitement, will I share his enthusiasm when he is there? Will I feel jealous? or maybe just alone.
I find myself already closing off. I do that. I hate it. Prevents me from getting hurt. I know that no matter what happens that I am surrounded by love. They never leave and they love me no matter what. I love them with all my heart and without these little critters, I would not be. I guess the moral of this is not to focus on a negative future of what might or might not be, but to focus on what lies in the present. What I have now around me and be grateful.

the beginning.

mutts & such — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:24:08 +0000

The beginning of what, you ask? This blog for one and maybe many more things, in life. I needed to separate my businesses and my personal rants to some degree. I was getting tired of people thinking something is wrong with me all the time, or my blog being depressing. Well, holy hell…it is my blog. I can be how I want, right? I don’t write to please other people, I write what I am feeling at the moment, whether it be good or bad. I am honest. I am raw and real. This year has been hard as it seems all the years past have been. They have been different, teaching me new things and helping me grow. Coming yet to another new place alone and then dealing with Millie almost right away for months and then her passing and then the boy and now the boy moving to Houston, sally’s surgery, my job, my new job, a new member of the family…etc… have weighed on me a bit. I have tried to handle things with grace, but I think I have only done the opposite. I make wrong decisions and then hope things will just turn out ok, as usual.

I left one venture and I hope this new one pans out. I will be gone from the dogs a lot (which I hate, but it is only temporary), so I will have to get up extra early and walk them even though I hate the dark. So in all this ranting, things…life is not turning out how I hoped; how I planned. I will try to make lemonade out of the lemons dealt, eat extra well for maximum energy and just do the best I can, alone. This post might sound like a depressing start, but I need to write since I haven’t in weeks. I am having a bad day and that is ok. Tomorrow will be better, things will look up and I will go with gusto. This is just a moment and a feeling, soon to be gone because I am surrounded by so much love right now. One good thing is Conrad is feeling better after being at the clinic all day. They filled him with fluids and so far, he hasn’t thrown up in five hours and he ate some chicken. Lori is taking Sally to Vegas on Friday for a check-up and I will pick her up on Sat. I will try out my new pretend schedule, so if I get this new daytime position, I can see how this will work.

Up at 4:30am to walk dogs, leave before 7am and home by 4. Let the dogs eat and potty, take a shower and go to my second job. Except this day I will be in Vegas during the day and not work, but the hours the same. I guess we will see. hehe.